In this new era, people believe that ket(key) of success is to receive(possess) a good work-life balance. On the other hand, others think that increase their career growth is to have more working hours(successful career comes with long working hours). This short essay will discuss both sides with personal experience and reasonable statement, and give a conclusion.
Having a long working hours is necessary for career growth.(,) Because the more you work the more knowledge, skill and the chance you will receive. In my personal experience, a range of elders that I met always talks about the working hours they had when they were young. Mr.Wong told me that he stay at the company work over 15 hours everyday just for getting a chance to go overseas the headquarters.(Mr. Wong once told me that he overworked for 15 hours daily just to earn an opportunity to be promoted to the oversea headquarter.) And now, he is a CEO from(of) a famous artificial intaligiance(intelligence) company that earn over 1.5 billions a year. It is convincing that working longer than others is to(can) increase the probability for the career growth.
On the other hand, maintaining a balance working time can be consider(ed) to be a key of being success. In this generation, lots of teeaangers are more likely to seek a balancing life. Balancing life means a person having their job and habiies they interesting at the same time, you might ask. Hobby can help people to release their pressure from work, in my point of view it is essentials for human. Giving my lifetime example, I do pilates or play piano when I feeling stress from my work. However, after I spend one hour to relax my brain. I have all my energy back at work. It can tell that having a balance life is urgent for human.
Compare two different perspective, I agree with manage a balance working time are more important than working long hours. I think working too long will cause mental and physical health problem, at the same time the workers cannot enjoy their life at the young age. Moreover, I think the definition of having a “carrer growth” or a “succesful life” are being happy in their life. Ejoying the work and investigate hobby at the young age are happy for ourselves. In summary, I more prefer maintaining a good work-life balance
更改顏色:
紅色: 用字錯誤、冗言贅字
橘色: 文法錯誤
紫色: 邏輯錯誤
藍色: 補述說明
第三段需要重新組織一下-
1. 請在topic sentence 點名清楚 “why work-life balance contribute to a successful career.”，再去做補充說明。
2. 藍色的補充說明我覺得蠻沒有意義的，不用去特別解釋什麼是”work life balance”。
3. I do pilates or play piano when I feeling stress from my work. However, after I spend one hour to relax my brain. I have all my energy back at work. 轉折語氣詞”However”不是這樣用的