Undoubtedly, with the rapid development of society, educational approaches for different age have been shaping the publics’ opinions. Some people view learning language early as something vital, others take it as something more valid while learning in mature age. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the former, and the reasons will be thoroughly elaborated as follows.
An array of factors may lead to why learning language at a later age is more efficient. Firstly, with plenty of learning experience cultivated during a student’s era(life), adults usually have more learning skills and ambition. That is, adults can diminish the amount of time wasted on learning, (therefore) improving learning efficiency by their self-discipline. However, adults are usually distracted by some daily routines and work commitments while learning a new foreign language, which results in insufficient time available for effective study. For example, I used to spend 30 to 40 hours a week learning English when I was a child. However, as I grew older, the amount of time dropped sharply to 10 hours a week, which had already made me feel so exhausted that I can hardly keep up.
On the other hand, as far as I am concerned, learning another language at an early age generates more merits. Primarily, kids are usually regarded as someone who has better learning abilities. According to research from the United Nation in 2022 , the age of learning English was 50% earlier than Japan, leading to an average English level in Taiwan 30% higher than Japan. Therefore, the age of learning a foreign language is much relative to the learning achievement.(personal example) Secondly, another advantage to learn language early is the remaining time for practice younger people have. To put it another way, students usually have more opportunities for learning and practicing a new language. (personal example)
In conclusion, based on the aforedmention, I am firmly convinced that learning foreign language in a younger age can genuinely usher in more merits due to the natural learning abilities and the high probabilities of practice opportunities they have,

更改顏色:
紅色: 用字錯誤、冗言贅字
橘色: 文法錯誤
紫色: 邏輯錯誤
藍色: 補述說明
弱弱:
1. 第二段邏輯錯誤(紫色部分),topic sentence在述說成年人可以「有效率」學習語言,前面鋪成的都不錯,但紫色的部分卻開始講成年人「沒有時間」去學習,這是很嚴重的錯誤喔~你千萬不要想到什麼寫什麼,要扣著主題寫
2.第三段雖然你有講出一些數據支持你的論點,但因為數據篇幅不夠,很像隨便假造的,我會建議你直接講一些「實際例子去支持」會比較好!